Title: Jesse Shearer Riffs "Rugrats: The Movie" Source: Fan transcript by Super Yo and Steve Mindykowski Original movie property of Nickelodeon, Paramount and Klassy-Csupo MiSTing Author: Jesse Shearer Setting: The single-screen movie theater at the fictional "J. Michael Shearer's Entertainment Place." {Scene 1: The nearly-empty corridors of any secondary shopping mall typical of any Midwestern United States city slowly pan by until a set of doors with a movie marquis above them is reached. The marquis reads "Rented to J. Michael Shearer Productions." Inside the doors is a run-down movie theater lobby with a heavily built man of short-to-medium stature standing in it. That man is I: Jesse Shearer} JESSE: Cool! The place looks pretty good for having been left idle for fifteen years. I'll just see if I can get things up and running. Then this'll be just like an episode of "Mystery Science Theater." In fact, this is a self-insertion parody of "MST3K." Once I get things up and running, I'll have a "feature film", "television show", fanfiction, or other Internet posting to comment on. Until then, I guess I'd better cut to a commercial or something, which may often be used for notes and such, as well. This'll take me about three weeks, but it'll be less than a page for you readers. Have fun! [NOTES] Yes, for those of you who are wondering, there *is* a place like this where I live. Specific references would be meaningless, as this MiSTing will hopefully be read worldwide. But, I am working from an actual physical place in the world that does exist. I even saw a few movies there myself when it was still a functioning movie theater. And no, I'm not promoting actually going into these places and doing things like this. It's dangerous, it's illegal, and I'd rather not have anyone's arrest, injury, or death on my conscience for this sort of thing if I can avoid it. The phrases "feature film" and "television show" is in quotes in the intro for a reason. I won't actually be *in* the theater above because it's like I said before: it's dangerous, it's illegal, and I'm not dumb enough to actually do them. Nor would I recommend that others do. I'm currently working in a hot little room in my parents' basement, sadly enough, and using fan transcripts of the movies and shows for this. I may later use the setting for other MiSTings not submitted to Varikorn Ungvichian's (AKA Rover_Wow's) website, but I'm just not sure yet. Only time and viewer response will tell. {Scene 2: Same as above, only I have a shopping cart laden with copious amounts of movie watching goodies} JESSE: Welcome back. A few friends and I got the place into semi-working order again. Unfortunately, they didn't want to participate further at this point, so I'll be going on my own this outing. Our presentation today comes to us in fan transcript form. It's "Rugrats: The Movie." I've never actually seen the thing, to be honest with you, so I'll be flying by the seat of my pants through this, instead. Enjoy! [The door sequence consists of one double door that reveals an absolutely huge movie screen. I am seen dragging my shopping cart of goodies into the first row, where I take the middle seat.] >"The Rugrats Movie" Transcript"The Rugrats Movie" Transcript JESSE: Double Double! >Transcribed by Super Yo, with additional material by Steve Mindykowski JESSE: Thanks, guys! >[Opening: The "Rugrats" TV intro plays in a small rectangle in the center >of the screen. Captions "Paramount Pictures presents" and "A Klasky-Csupo >production" fade on and off on top of this rectangle. At the end of the >intro, where Tommy squirts his baby bottle, The streams of milk cover the >entire movie screen, then drips down with a stereophonic cresendo to reveal >"The Rugrats Movie" logo. Fade to black.] JESSE:[singing durring credits; theme to “LEXX”] Yo-A-O; Hom Bah Rey; Yo-A-Rah; Neroon Brunnen-G... >[The camera is in the forest and move in the direction of a mountain in >which their is a temple surrounded with Reptar statues. The Rugrats climb >the cliff and are at the cave's entrance. The temple is dark and gloomy >inside, as we are there, looking towards the outside, as the Rugrats race >in. Once in the cave, Chuckie stops.] JESSE: He realizes that they’re stepping directly into an Indiana Jones film. >Chuckie: Aah! This place give me the juicebumps! [A group of bats fly out >of the mouth of one of the Reptar statues.] Phil: Maybe we should go back! >Lil: Very back! JESSE:[Soren, from “Star Trek Generations”] Let me go back! Let me go back! PLEASE LET ME GO BACK! >Tommy: No! We can't go back now, you guys! Okey-Dokie Jones [whips with his >jump rope] JESSE: [whip noise] >never goes back! [The Rugrats move near a door shaped like Angelica's head. >They act surprised. Inside the "mouth" is a bright, orange-colored light.] >Tommy: Hang on to your diapies, babies, we're going in! Chuckie: [voice >over] That's Tommy Pickles. He's the bravest baby I ever knowed! JESSE: Proving yet again that there’s a very fine line between brave and stupid. > >[As Chuckie talks, Tommy races towards the door. As he got there, the door >slammed, but he raced in there once it's open, and after he entered, it >slammed shut again. Phil & Lil look surprised.] JESSE: Oh, ok. Yeah. I think I’ve seen that particular obstical in several other movies. >Chuckie: [voice over] And that's Phil and Lil. Uh, uh, well, they - - they >like worms. JESSE: I like worms, too. It’s just that they’re so hard to get on the hook... >[Phil & Lil hold hands and rush in through the door, which closed behind >them.] Chuckie: [voice over] And I'm Chuckie. Uh... I'm not so brave. JESSE: But smart. That’s what counts. >[Chuckie was hesitant to enter, but was "whipped" in by Tommy.] JESSE:[singing to “Whip It,” by Devo] When your friends turn into wimps, you must whip them! Whip them good! [whip noise] >Chuckie: [voice over] But that's OK, 'cause I got Tommy, and he's my >bestest friend. [giggles] JESSE: Dah! I didn’t know it was *this* kind of movie! >[The Rugrats run to a tower on which is perched an idol. They climb the >towre to reach the idol. While trying to take the statuette, the idol >becomes a banana split and a trap is released, which causes an enormous >rock to roll towrds them.] JESSE: Good! Kill ‘em all! >Chuckie: Watch out! [The babies starts to shout while running like the wind >to try escape the rock.] JESSE: Suddenly, it’s UHF, only not as good. >Tommy: You guys keep going! [Suddenly, the floor open itself in front of >them. Tommy, Phil & Lil made the jump, but Chuckie misses his, hanging on >the brink.] Chuckie: Tommy! Tommy: Come on, Chuckie! [Back to reality: The >rock was Didi's stomach.] JESSE: D’oh! Bad mental image there! >Didi: Tommy! [The babies scream and run away.] JESSE: I’m tempted to do the same, but I’ve got a promise to keep. >Didi: You kids shouldn't be playing in here! JESSE:[Didi] This is Mommy and Daddy’s “special room!” >[The Rugrats run away at full speed...] Chuckie: [voice over] We thought >the fun times would last forever. JESSE:[Chuckie] Then we wandered into Mommy and Daddy’s “special room.” >[Rugrats run into glass patio door and fall on the floor] Chuckie: [voice >over] But we was wrong! Didi: Oh, my. [Betty holds onto Didi as she picks >up the Rugrats.] JESSE: I may be ill if this keeps up. [rumages around in shopping cart] Thought I had an empty bucket in here... >Betty: Upsy-daisy, Didi. Didi: Thanks! JESSE:[sits down with bucket] Found it. >[Betty opens the patio door and let the Rugrats go out. The grown-ups are >having a baby shower for Didi.] Susie: Thank you for inviting me to your >baby shower Mrs. Pickles. [Camera zooms out for a panoramic shot of the >whole party.] JESSE: It shows a few regular women, then a Viking, an American Indian, a cop, and a construction worker. >Didi: Glad you could be here, Susie. Woman #1: What a pretty party dress, >Angelica. Angelica: Thank you. My mommy's assistant bought it especially >for my Aunt Didi's party. [Susie laughs while making fun of Angelica's >dress.] Angelica: [to Susie] Don't say a word. [Along the fence, Aunt >Miriam is in front of a blackboard, taking bets on the new baby's weight.] JESSE:[Dr. Forrester in “Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie”] Ah, good. You’re here... >Aunt Miriam: All right, I got $20 on 8 pounds, 6 ounces. 8 pounds 6. Who's >got 8-7? Man: Twelve! Aunt Miriam: 12 pounds? What are you, crazy? JESSE:[Man] You mean we’re not guessing on how big the Christmas ham will have to be? >Chazz: Gosh, you can hardly tell she's gained any weight. [While turning >over, Didi knock over the table with her stomach.] JESSE: Right. You can’t tell. And getting shots at the doctor doesn’t hurt, either. >Woman #2: [as she proceeds to clean up the mess] Oh, don't worry. Chazz: I >mean, you know from behind. Minka: There you are, Didala. Come. Look what >we got for you. Boris, move your tuchus. Didi: A goat? Oh, mom, you >shouldn't have. JESSE:[Didi] You know I’m already married. >Minka: Nothing better for the little bubula than goat's milk. Boris: Except >maybe yak. But you try finding good yak these days. [The babies run here >and bump in the goat.] JESSE:[sounds ready to throw up] >Boris: [to the Rugrats] He's saying, "Hello". There you go, kinderlach, >some chocolate coins. [The Rugrats take the coins and hide their selves >under the table.] Woman #3: Everything I, Oh... [On way to table, Chuckie >bumps into ladies; they all gasp.] [Pan to bottom of table.] Phil: Aren't >you gonna eat it, Tommy? Tommy: Nope. I'm savin' it for my baby sister. >Chuckie: Oh, you mean, she finally came? Tommy: Not yet, but they're giving >her this big party, so I'm pretty sure today's the day. Lil: Do you think >she got losted on her way to the party? Tommy: Hmm, I don't know. Maybe we >better go look for her. Come on! [Rugrats climb out from under table.] >Chuckie: Uh, but, Tommy, she could be anywheres. [Chuckie bump into Didi's >stomach.] Betty: Watch it, pups. Didi: Careful. [Charlotte arrives; as per >usual, she's talking to Jonathan on her cell phone.] Charlotte: [on phone] >I'll get back to you, Jonathan. I've got to say "hi" to the life of the >party. [to Didi] How's our little man? Didi: I told you, Charlotte, Dr >Lipschitz says it's a girl. JESSE: You trust a doctor named Lipschitz? I’m more inclined to think there’s a reason he got that name. (make it two words and flip them around) >Betty: Ha! That windbag thought Phil and Lil were intestinal gas. JESSE: See?!?! >Aunt Miriam: Face it, dolly. Riding high, it's a guy. Charlotte: Well, you >know what they say, "Born under Venus, look for a..." JESSE: ...gatuitous dick joke in a children’s movie. >[Charlotte's phone rings, interrupting her conversation. She immediately >answers.] Charlotte: [on phone] Hello? Didi: Now, now, Dr Lipschitz is the >expert. I don't see any of you with a Ph.D. in Latin. JESSE: My god! You go to a guy with a doctorate in language for medical treatment? Well, mabey I won’t be stuck with a crappy job all my life after all. >Betty: Yeah, pig Latin maybe. Well, let's just hope for Tommy's sake it's a >girl. I'd hate to think how much my pups would be squabbling if they were >both boys. JESSE: Oh, good. Betty refers to her children as immature canines and she thinks that at least one of them is gay, too. >Didi: Uh, uh, uh. Let's not do any gender stereotyping. After all, Stu and >Drew are brothers, and they get along just fine. JESSE: So do me and my brother. Of course, it helps that he’s an idiot alot of the time... >[Cut to basement, where Stu and Drew are arguing.] Stu: Pushy! Drew: Lazy! >Stu: Bossy! Drew: Inconsiderate! Stu: Nosy! Drew: Good-for nothing! Stu: >Busy-body! Both: Why can't you listen to me? Drew: We're talking about a >real job, Stu, with benefits. Stu: [shouts] I'm not going to waste my life >as a clock-punching, paper-pushing, bean-counting... [calms down] Oh, no >offence. JESSE:[to Stu] You mean “Ah, forget that crap,” right? >[Stu proceeds to weld.] Drew: You can't even make ends meet now. You got no >insurance, no savings, and another kid on the way! Stu: For your >information, bro, I am working on something right now that is going to put >this branch of the Pickles family on Easy Street. Drew: What is it this >time, huh, an electric sponge? Stu: Of course not! That was last year. >[reveals a skeleton of the Reptar Wagon] This, this is the Reptar Wagon! >The ultimate in toddler transportation. The perfect children's toy! JESSE:[Stu] Of course, I’ve still got tons of safety issues to work out, but that’ll still give me time to have it on the market by next month at the latest... >[Grandpa fixes an old radio as he talks.] Grandpa: In my day, we had plenty >of fun just throwing rocks at each other. Big bag of dirt clods, that's >what the kids want. JESSE: Speaking of clods, here’s Grandpa Pickles. >Stu: The Reptar Corporation is holding a toy design contest, and the winner >gets $500! Drew: [sarcastically] Ooh! Stu: And there'll be plenty more if >this toy's a hit, and I'll be famous! JESSE: Damn, he’s more optimistic about that stupid wagon than I am about my writing. >Drew: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what you said when you built that stupid >thing. [Drew points to a Dactar glider, which is suspended from the >ceiling.] Stu: Maybe Dactar was a little complex, but... this... >this...watch! [speaking into microphone, in normal voice] I am Reptar! Hear >me roar! Reptar Wagon: [Stu's voice, distorted] I am Reptar! Here me roar! >[The Reptar Wagon spit fire!] JESSE: Then it explodes and kills all three of them! >Grandpa: Dang-flabbit! Can't a man work in his own basement without getting >barbecued? JESSE:[Drew] Well, if you’d remember to turn off your acetelene torch, you wouldn’t have that problem, now would you? >Stu: OK, so maybe real fire isn't the best idea for a children's toy. JESSE:[Stu] Like I said, tons of safety issues to work out... >[Drew's clothes are smouldering; Stu sprays Drew with the fire >extinguisher.] [Cut to Tommy's room, which was remodelled for the new baby. >One side is blue, for Tommy's side, which has a Dummi-bear bed, a "Smile!" >poster and a trunk with smiles painted all over, The new baby's side is >pink, with a crib festooned with balloons, and an "It's a girl!" banner on >the wall. The Rugrats enter the room to their amazement.] The Rugrats: Oh! >Chuckie: Tommy, somebody's been colouring your room. Tommy: Yep, it's for >my new sister. Phil: How are we gonna find her, Tommy? Chuckie: Yeah, we >don't even know what she looks like. Lil: Well, she's a girl like me, so we >know she'll be prettyful. JESSE: Of what? >Angelica: [enters, carrying a big bunch of cookies using the lower part of >her dress] Oh, brother! You dumb babies got a lot to learn about the facts >of lice. JESSE: Lice are tiny parasitic insects that live either on the head or other, shall we say, “more delicate” areas of the body and cause them to itch. >[shoves Rugrats en route to table] Now, get out of my way. I gotta get back >to the dessert table before the grownups get all the good stuff. [Angelica >dumps cookies on a table.] Tommy: Angelica, can you help us find my baby >sister? Angelica: I wouldn't be in such a big hurry if I was you Tommy. >'Cause when the new baby gets here, she's gonna gets all the toys and the >love and the attention. And your mommy and daddy'll forget all about you. >It'll be like, "Look, Deed... there's that little bald kid in the house >again". JESSE:[Tommy] And this’ll be different from normal in what way? >Tommy: My mommy and daddy won't forget me. Angelica: That's what Spike said >before you were born. Back when his name was Paul. Tommy: Paul? Angelica: >Yeah, but, then you came along, and they put him out in the rain, and he >turned into a dog. Tommy: That's not gonna happen to me, Angelica. My mommy >and daddy will love me no matter what! [Voice over: Susie is outside, >singing to the tune of the first couple of lines of "Twinkle Twinkle Little >Star" [or "The Alphabet Song", or "Baa Baa Black Sheep"]. Boris accompanies >her on accordion. Angelica looks on from Tommy's room.] Susie: [singing] A >baby is very neat; a baby is a special treat. Angelica: Ugh! Who does Susie >Carmichael think she is? JESSE: The grandchild of Lucille Carmichael, perhaps? (“I Love Lucy” reference) >Susie: A baby has lots of toes; a baby has a tiny nose. [Angelica leaves >while the other Rugrats watch from inside.] [Cut to outside. All are >singing, unless specified.] Susie: A baby is a little dickens, a baby is a >cuddly chicken. JESSE: I never thought chickens were cuddly. Unless she’s somehow refering to *that* chicken... I’m gonna be ill! [barfs in bucket mentioned earlier] >[Angelica is next to Didi's belly, chuckling, as she plans to make her >move.] Susie: A baby is lots of joy... [Angelica barges in.] Angelica: A >baby will get all the toys! Susie: [spoken, to Angelica] What are you >doing? JESSE: Planning to clean out this bucket next chance I get. >Susie: A baby has a smiley face... Angelica: A baby is from outside space! >Susie: [spoken, disgusted] Angelica! Angelica: [spoken, taunting] Susie! >Susie: A baby is extra fancy... Angelica: A baby poops in his pantsies! >Susie: [spoken, angry] Cut it out! Angelica: [spoken, defiant] No! [Music >switches to a Tejano beat, using different arrangment.] [The Rugrats climb >outside to watch.] Susie: Like a birdie, singing in a tree! Angelica: More >like Reptar, screaming in your ear! JESSE: No, that’s you two! >Both: A baby is a gift, a gift from a Bob! A baby is a gift from a Bob, >Bob, Bob! JESSE: Bob Hope? >A baby is a gift... [Angelica does a gagging gesture.] Susie: A gift from a >Bob! [Cut to under table, where the Rugrats crawled underneath. Tommy & >Chuckie are talking, while music continues under.] Chuckie: Do you really >think babies are a gift from a Bob? Tommy: I don't know. Why? Chuckie: >Because if Bob bringed a gift, it's probably one of them. [Return to Susie >& Angelica; music reverts to "Twinkle Twinkle", though the Tejano flavor >remains.] Susie: A baby is very special! Angelica: A baby is, is [screams] >notttt! [Song ends; Angelica's screaming has induced Didi's labor. Didi >groans in discomfort.] JESSE: I been doing that for awhile now. >Didi: Oh! Betty, it's time! Betty: It's time? Oh, boy. [to crowd] Everybody >to your stations, people! JESSE:[between “Star Trek” ‘red alert’ noises] Red Alert! Red Alert! >Howard, get Stu. Charlotte, call the hospital. Deed, start your breathing. >Come on, good girl. [Didi begins her rhythmic breathing.] [The other >grownups pick up the Rugrats.] Grandpa: Up we go, sprout. We got a Pickle >to deliver. JESSE: Yeah, that’s what he told himself the first time he made out with Grandma Pickle. >Charlotte: Let's go to the car, kids. [During the rush, the goat broke >loose and destroyed the party. While the goat destroys things, it set off >the sprinkler system.] Charlotte: Would somebody turn that sprinkler off? >[The goat comes inside, dragging a chair on his leg.] [Grandpa and Tommy >look on.] Grandpa: Now, that's what I call a baby shower! JESSE: And it’s what I call my cue to go rinse out this bucket! [exit through double doors to lobby and then mall corridor.] >[Cut to exterior of the "Lipschitz Maternity Arts Building"; 3 cars race to >the front enterance. Cut to interior, looking at a bank of monitors with >Dr. Lipschitz's image on each monitor.] JESSE: Now, there *is* a sight that would induce labor. >Lipschitz: [on monitors] Welcome to the Werner P. Lipschitz Center for >Holistic Birthing, offering the modern parent the state of the art in >primitive birth alternatives. JESSE: Ah. Primitive birth alternatives. That would explain the “Planet of the Apes” theme going on in the background. >[While Lipschitz speaks, a statue with Lipschitz holding several babies >come into view. Then, cut to a board that displays the names of mothers >giving birth, in a fashion of the "Arrivals" and "Delays" board at >airports. JESSE: OK, if I ever get married and have kids, I am *NOT* taking my wife there. I don’t think she’d like being refered to “Flight United 26” too well. >The gang arrive at the reception desk.] Nurse: Oh, Mrs. Pickles! You >weren't due till next week, now, dear. Well, I guess we could try and >squeeze you in somewhere, huh? JESSE: Now I’m *DEFFINATELT* not going there. Even HMOs let you give birth on nature’s schedule. >Didi: But Dr Lipschitz promised us the all-natural Zen experience in the >Tibetan terrace room! JESSE: Did he? I thought you’d have learned about the values of anesthetics the first time around. >Boris: In my day, a woman just dropped her baby in the potato field and >kept going. [Nurse opens door to a room that has maternity equipment in a >middle of a potato field, complete with cows and a farmer.] Nurse: Ah, yes, >the old country room. JESSE: Oh no. As if having childbirth in a kids’ movie wasn’t bad enough, now it’s advancing stereotypes as well. >Didi: Do you have anything a little cleaner? Nurse: We could try the >aquatic immersion room. [The gang looks at a window of a tank that has >fish, a sea turtle and ruins, plus the pre-requisite maternity gear. The >new mother pictured is in scuba gear, while her doctor [holding the >notepad] is in an old-fashioned sea diver's outfit.] Minka: She's having a >baby, not a gefilte fish! [A couple of doctors enter; one of them is Dr. >Lucy Carmichael.] Dr. Lucy: Oh! Stu, Didi, Randy called to say you were on >your way. [laughs] I didn't realize you were bringing the whole party! How >far apart are the pains, hon? JESSE: That depends, Ms. Ball. How quickly can you speak coherently? >Stu: Oh, they're... [Didi squeezes Stu's hand very tight] pretty much >constant. JESSE:[to Stu] No, that’s from being in the movie. The doctor’s refering to labor pains. >Dr. Lucy: OK, Didi; let's go and get you settled in, huh? [The Rugrats are >placed in a playpen.] Grandpa: Here you go, sprout. Didi: [to Tommy] Don't >worry, sweetie, mommy's going to be OK. [Grown-ups leave; Didi continues >her breathing exercises. Grandpas Lou & Boris sit nearby, preparing to play >cards.] Chuckie: Oh, gosh, Tommy, your mommy sure seems upset. Lil: Maybe >your baby sister really is losted. Tommy: Whoa! Maybe we can buy her a new >one. [Tommy pulls out his chocolate coin.] Chuckie: Where're we gonna find >a baby in a place like this? [Pull away to reveal several doctors walking >around, carrying babies. The Rugrats, in the usual fashion, break out of >the playpen, and crawl out without being caught by Grandpas Lou and Boris, >who are too busy playing "Fish".] Grandpa: You got any queens? JESSE:[Grandpa Boris] I was never into that “stone” music. Go fish. >Boris: Go fish! [The Rugrats enter the newborns' nursery.] Phil: Hey, a >baby store. Lil: Nice and wiggly. Tommy: You guys, help me pick one my mom >will like. [The song "This World Is Something New To Me" begins as babies >cry and Chuckie steps on one of the light switches on the floor. For your >convenience, the newborns' lines will be identified by the artist singing >it.] Lisa Loeb: Where am I? JESSE: Hell. >B Real: How did I get here? JESSE: You sold your soul to the devil. >Patti Smith: Today is very different than yesterday. Lou Rawls: So this is >the world? JESSE: Unfortunately. >Laurie Anderson: I miss my old womb. Gordon Gano: The wallpaper here just >ain't the same. JESSE: I would think not. >Fred Schneider: This word is something strange. JESSE: Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it in 20 or 30 years. >Loeb: I'm wet, Phife: I'm cold, Lenny Kravitz: [waggles diaper] I need a >change, All: [tosses blankets in air] This world is something new to me. >Phife: [on one monitor] Oh, my head! What is this? I can't take it! JESSE: That security guard would have loved this. >Dawn Robinson: [on an adjacent monitor] Me either! [Robotic camera zooms in >on next baby] Beck: I'm hungry, Rawls: I'm tired, Jakob Dylan: [pounds crib >floor to make pacifier bounce] I'm irritated. Rawls: But I love the extra >leg room. Smith: [Points to her bellybutton] Man! They cut my cord! Iggy >Pop: [Looks in his diaper to see, uh, something Jewish boys get, usually at >birth] Consider yourself lucky! JESSE: I know how you feel, kid. They did the same to me when I was your age. >Dylan: This world is way too big. Pop: [baby points at Chuckie] And >populated by fuzzy pigs. JESSE: How the hell would a newborn know what a pig looks like? >All: This world is something new to me. Schneider: This world is such a >gas. [passes gas] Kate Pierson & Cindy Wilson: P.U., where's your class? >All: This world is something new to me. [Two baby carriers collide with >each other as the Rugrats push them around] Beck: [shouts] Quiet! can't a >guy get some shuteye? Smith: [shouts] It's so noisy in here. Pop: [shouts] >I can barely hear myself suck. JESSE: I can hear you sucking just fine. Could you keep it down, please? >[baby grabs bottle from Chuckie] Dylan: The food here tastes pretty good, >Phife: My compliments to the chef. Robinson: And you gotta holler to get >fed. Rawls: But I could get used to that. [babies cry; Chuckie falls on >floor onto a light switch] Loeb: This world is way too bright, Beck: Can't >somebody turn down the light? JESSE:[stands up, reaches into cart, gets a juice box, and chucks it towards the screen, aiming for a lightswitch.] >Beck: [as another baby; looks inside diaper] So that's what that thing >looks like. JESSE: I’m starting to feel dizzy. I think it’s all the genitalia references. >Dylan: All things here are meant for play, JESSE: Good thing I cleaned up the barf bucket... >[throws pacifier; robotic camera follows it] Schneider: It's gonna be a >real cool day. All: This world is something new to me. [Newborns pee in the >air to make a fountain, while unidentified babies sing: "da-de-da-da-da", >etc.; one of the female babies say "Real cool", while another one says >"Look!"] JESSE: I’d rather not. >All: [as rainbow forms] This world is something new to me. [Robotic camera >retracts and monitor shuts off as number ends. The Grandpas enter the >nursery.] Grandpa: There you are. Boris: Oy, gevalt! You kinder gave my >ticker such a scare. [They pick up the Rugrats and leave the nursery. As >they leave, they shut the light out, and the rainbow from the musical >number fades away.] JESSE: Thank god. >[Cut to Didi's room. Apparently, the room she has chosen is the usual, >ordinary birthing room. Didi's rhythmic breathing continues, though it's >now at a faster pace. The staff work on Didi while Dr. Lucy gives orders.] >Dr. Lucy: [to Didi] All right, Did, you can do it. Push now! [to the staff] >Have we got a good reading on the EFM? JESSE:[Dr. Lucy] And where’s the machine that goes beep? >[Didi screams. We cut to what seems to be a graphic representation of a >baby being born, from a baby's point of view inside Didi's body. JESSE:[barfing noises] >In order, we see a blast of blue light, a group of planets, a school of >fish mingling in aquatic plantlife, dinosaurs, dolphins, monkeys [one of >them waving a bone], JESSE:[hums part of theme from “2001: A Space Oddesy”] >Stonehenge, The Sphinx, atoms, and finally, bright light. These items zoom >by while the baby is born. A grand version of the Rugrats theme plays >under. After the bright light, we cut back to outside Didi's body, still >looking from the baby's point of view, which starts out as out-of-focus.] JESSE: Too bad this isn’t really “2001.” I’d probably be enjoying it alot more. >Dr. Lucy: Here it comes. Didi: Gorgeous! Stu: Didi, she's so beautiful. >She's... she's a boy! JESSE:[sarcastically singing: “Flying Saucer” by Brave Combo] I’m tired of the same old job, and the same old recreation; my life in general boresma to the core. I need a permanent vacation; but I’m not gonna fool myself, I’m not gonna tell me lies; I won’t pretend anything at all, but I really need a big supprise. >[Baby's eyes are now in focus.] Didi: Hello, my wonderful, sweet baby boy. >[Switch back to audience's point of view, where we now see the new baby in >Didi's arms.] Stu: Well, I guess we won't be naming him after my mother. >Didi: He doesn't look much like a Trixie. What about my cousin Dylan? Stu: >Dylan Prescott Pickles. Nurse: Dil Pickles. JESSE: Thank god the family name isn’t Doe. Then his name would be Dil Doe. >Stu: Yeah, I like it. [Grandpa take Tommy into Didi's room. After being >placed next to Dr. Lucy, Tommy gives her his chocolate coin.] Grandpa: Here >you go, sprout. Didi: Tommy, I want you to meet someone very special. This >is your brother, Dylan. Dil, this is Tommy. Tommy: Baby... Didi: [to Stu] >See, they already love each other. JESSE: Yeah, right. She probably thought the same thing about her first boyfriend enven though the first thing he said to her was “Go to Hell.” >[Dil tweaks Tommy's nose. Tommy cries, and about a couple of seconds later, >Dil cries too.] Betty: Well, that's a start. [Cut to exterior of the >Pickles house. Caption: "Four Weeks Later"; a gong sounds. Cut to the >kitchen, where Stu and Didi are in their morning clothes, and the kitchen >is a big mess. Didi is literally sleeping in the kitchen sink, among the >suds. Dil is crying continuously.] Stu: Didi, what are we gonna do? He >hasn't stopped crying since we brought him home. [Pan to playpen] Phil: >Somehow it's not as much fun around here anymore. Chuckie: Yeah! What is >your brother so sad about? Tommy: I don't know! But whatever it is,it must >be really bad. Lil: Maybe he's broked! Tommy: What? Phil & Lil: Broked! [A >monkey's head on a cymbal doll that Lil was holding pops off.] Tommy: >Broked? [Stu, Didi and a still-grying Dil walk by.] Tommy: He's not broked, >he's a... just a little loud! Angelica: Ooh! That baby's getting on my >nerves! JESSE: Most air molecules get on her nerves at one time or another. >[Angelica goes into another room and slams the door. Grandpa is in his >chair, sleeping as a fishing show is seen. The goat is next to him, also >sleeping. Angelica changes the channel and turns up the volume. The first >thing she sees is a commercial. Caption: "Coming Soon". The commercial had >monkeys and a ringmaster doing tricks in a circus ring.] JESSE: Hey, they’re filming at my job! >Commercial: Direct from Moscow, the Banana Brothers Monkey Circus! >Featuring the most amazing monkeys since Brezhnev! This is real monkey >business, so Trotsky on down. The Banana Brothers Monkey Circus! [circus >logo slides into view] Angelica: [shouts] Grandpa! Can we go to the circus? >[The goat bump into the armchair's back.] Grandpa: It's enough of a circus >around here already! JESSE: The same was true of my house when me and my brother were kids, but that never stopped *us* from going to the circus. >[Cut to an old steam train, which pulls into a station. Two men, Serge and >Igor, leave the locomotive.] Igor: Serge, you stay here and watch monkeys, >I get us coffee. Serge: No, Igor, you stay and watch monkeys, and I get us >coffee. Igor: Nyet! Monkeys watch you, I get coffee! [Cut to interior of >diner, where both men are enjoying their coffee. JESSE: At least they didn’t decide to spank the monkeys. >Igor drinks from a cup, while Serge drinks from a dish. Both are also >eating donuts. Their train is in view through a window, as monkeys climb >out and on top of the train.] JESSE:[singing, theme to the TV show “The Monkeys”] Hey, hey, we’re the monkeys; people say we monkey around... >Serge: I think coffee's better in St. Petersburg. Igor: Nyet, is better in >Kiev. Serge: No, it's better in St. Petersburg! Igor: Nothing is better in >St. Petersburg! [While the men argue over coffee, the monkeys commandeer >the train, and were able to move it. Serge does a "spit-take".] Serge: >Look! The train! JESSE:[Herve Villachez, “Fantasy Island”] De train! De train! >[The men rush out, bumping over tables and other customers.] Serge: Let me >out! Stop! [While the men continue shouting, the train races off in the >distance. One of the monkeys driving the train puts on an engineer's cap >and smiles. After it passes a "Danger, Slow Curve" sign, it derailed, >crashing into the forest. Before we fade out, one of the monkeys climb out, >bewildered.] [Fade into a night scene, where Didi is reading a bedtime >story to Tommy.] Didi: And then the wizard looked down at the little boy >and said: "your wish has been granted". And the little boy looked... [Dil >starts crying again.] Stu: Deed! Help! Didi: I'll be back, sweetie. [Cut to >Stu, who's holding Dil at his crib.] Stu: All I did was cough, Deed. I >tried not to, but I had a feeling in my throat. And then I coughed! And now >he's crying! [Dil hiccups.] And now he's got the hiccups! [Stu sobs.] Didi: >Oh, Stu. [Didi places a baby pacifier into Stu's mouth. Didi cranks a baby >mobile; Stu spits out the pacifier.] Didi: Stu, why don't you sing Dil a >lullaby? JESSE:[Stu] Uh, because I... don’t know how to sing? >[Dil hiccups.]